Content Dynasty

I’m a strong woman. I’ve lived through complete humiliation in my high school days, survived a rebellion stage that exposed me to the worst qualities in mankind; I’ve been subjected to physical and mental abuse, forced to do things against my will, and coerced into keeping secrets that would have saved me years of heartache had I shared them with the right people. I’ve also been the bad guy. I mistook a childhood fantasy — falling in love with a long lost friend — for real, life-altering, marriage-worthy romance. When reality struck, I was forced to call off an engagement, costing me and my family two best friends (the ex and my best girlfriend), thousands of dollars in deposits, and a stained reputation.

The point is that I am no stranger to troubled times. I’ve survived in stages. I’ve gone through various stages to cope: rebounds, bitterness, unavailability, altered reality, depression, religion, and even solipsism. And although I’ve become a master at hastily moving on, I’ve failed miserably at the coping part.

What I do, in lieu of coping, is put on a false front of appearing to be okay. I try so hard, for appearances sake, to be myself that I forget to deal with the pain appropriately. So even though I move on quickly, I never quite let go of the hurt, which continues to haunt me until it catches up to me.

Now that I’m a little older and hopefully wiser, I’m still struggling with how to cope with betrayal. Betrayal gets me every time. I’m a trusting person. I want to believe that there is good in everyone. I want to believe that people aren’t sick enough to make a mockery out of me for no reason other than the fun of it — that just seems too cruel to fathom. Betrayal still happens despite my efforts to believe otherwise, and when it does I always reflect on the how and the why. Here are the trends I’ve noticed.

Why Betrayal Happens

In my experiences there really isn’t one reason why someone chooses to betray another, but the reasons can usually be broken down to one core idea — an individual stands to gain from the betrayal. Whether the gain is proof of power, improvement in social status, financial gain, personal satisfaction, avoiding exposure/cover-up of other lies, or anything else, betrayal happens because one person is put in a situation where choosing to sacrifice a level of trust with another person becomes less important than doing something that they can profit by.

How Betrayal Happens

Secrets and lies. Those who choose to be betrayers secretly sign their name to the book of liars. Whether the betrayal is well planned, or a circumstance of other shady behaviors, betrayal cannot exist without secrets and lies that beget other secrets and lies. More often than not the one who is being betrayed will see hints of what is happening, and their trust in the friend and secret betrayer is put into question. If you’ve ever been confronted with variations of the truth from multiple parties, you can rest assured that someone or some group of people are in the process of betraying you. If you’re anything like me, however, you choose to believe the lies, and the lies that are concocted to cover the other lies, because it’s easier than confronting the truth.

How to Cope

So what do you do when you’ve discovered that people you’ve trusted have betrayed you? How do you go about healing properly? How do you avoid becoming one of those bitter and angry people that doesn’t trust anyone? How do you go about forgiving? As I said above, betrayal always gets me. I try so hard to recover, so hard to forgive, so hard to avoid becoming cynical, but then another person comes along and betrays my trust yet again; I’m left feeling even more foolish than the last time and finding it a cliff to climb to reach the pinnacle of forgiveness. What’s the right answer?

I’ve had a bad week. I’ve been battling sickness, and I happened to have a horrible hump day (Wednesday) — everything around me just seemed to be going up in flames. As the weekend approaches, however, I’m finding myself in a better mood, but still needing a vehicle for ventilation. Please don’t internalize or personalize any of the rants that are about to come spewing out of me — I really just need to vent.

Twitter

Twitter, for those of you not using the incredibly addicting micro-blogging site, is like one big chat room with a 140 character limit for each update. The level of addiction increases as you follow and are followed by more and more people. As more people start to tweet about their lives, their locations, and general randomness, a few Twitter police have emerged from the crowd with the intention of spanking Twitter users for what they deem to be inappropriate uses of 140 characters.

I’m tired of seeing people tweet about how or how not to tweet. Twitter is still relatively new, we’re all still figuring out how to leverage the 140 characters for value, and no one has mastered what it means to be a good twitterer/tweeter/tweep etc. Take that soap box you’re standing on and use it for something meaningful. I might use my other blog to write a full post on this subject.

Men

Some of you are great, some of you think with your dicks, and some of you are just plain dicks. Here’s the problem. I think I’ve given too many men the impression that I’m bedable — an easy lay. Sorry to disappoint fellas, but a girl like me isn’t going to give up the milk for free. Realistically, after reading my post on sexpectations, you shouldn’t even want it. This milk is sour (that is a terribly poignant analogy).

There is also a handful of you who don’t know what to do with me. You’re not interested in the sex, and for some reason or another you’re completely turned off by my personality. That’s okay. We don’t have to like each other. If, however, I make an effort to send good things your way and I’ve never done anything but speak of you highly, why do you insist upon disliking me? Maybe you think I’m one big pretender, but if you do, have the decency to tell me to my face. Please, a little common courtesy is all I ask for.

Gossip

I’m usually pretty good about not spreading gossip. I like to stick to the facts. Every once in awhile, however, a really juicy piece of information crosses my path, and I can’t help but follow the grimy trail of dirt until I reach the filthy core of the secret. Lately, however, the tables have been turned. People are gossiping about me. People I trust are telling people I don’t trust things about me and/or my sex life that are either blatantly untrue or too true (hence the secret part). It goes the other way too…people I don’t trust are making up lies and passing them off as the truth. There’s only so many times in a week I want to hear, “just so you know XXXX said this about you…”.

It’s hard not to feel like I brought all of this messiness upon myself. I’m caked in mud and trying to dine at a four star restaurant, of course I’m going to draw unwanted negative attention. Perhaps the easy remedy to the problem is to lay low, or blog less, but the reality is that as more and more people find my little sex blog, the more I’m going to have to develop a thicker layer of impenetrable skin.

Chances are that if you’re of the male sex and we’ve chatted about sex, dating, relationships, or we’ve actually experimented with one of the three, then you’ll make an appearance in an entry in some way, shape, or form. This really shouldn’t be shocking; I’m a blogger and I’m open about it.

Lately the same conversation keeps happening…

Man: You’re probably going to blog about this.

Me: I might <wink>.

Man: Just make sure to keep me anonymous.

Me: Of course.

A few weeks later…

Man: I can’t believe you actually blogged about me.

Me: You knew that I had this blog, and I warned you that you might make an appearance. Didn’t I keep your identity private?

Man: Well I really thought that our moments were private.

Me: Our moments are private. For the most part, I strip you out of the content completely and only take the circumstances that I can apply to bigger trends or broader subjects.

Why I Do What I Do

My intentions are never to use the relationships or situations that I find myself in for good content, traffic, or comments. I’m really not that shallow, nor do I think my life to be that interesting. At the very core of my being is a writer, who enjoys the beauty of the written word and the blogging platform as a means to reach a larger audience. I blog for several reasons, but for the most part what you read here is the product of the following:

1. I’m an overly analytical person. I never have just a passing thought, and when it comes to relationships and men, I tend to obsess over every single detail. The easiest way for me to make sense of a situation is to write about it. Blogging helps me release the overwhelming thoughts that eat away at my sanity.
2. When I experience something that I think has implications beyond my immediate situation, I love to extract my moment in time and compare it against the millions of other moments that resemble my own. It’s not that I think I have any more experience or wisdom then the next person, it’s just that if I can find a pattern, I can come to some type or resolution.

I completely understand that most men would rather not turn on their laptop to find a blog entry about their sexual encounters with me. In fact, I usually avoid getting overly personal, and I never reveal anyone’s identity unless they’ve already expressed that they’re comfortable being a subject. What frustrates me to no end, though, is that there are men who seek me out because they appreciate the quality of my writing or the candidness of my blog, and yet these same men want to be excluded from something they know is a huge part of my life.

Is it unreasonable for me to blog about the men in my life? I certainly don’t think so. If anything, if you’re featured in an entry on Content Dynasty, you should take a little satisfaction in knowing that you’ve made a big enough impression on my life and mind that I felt compelled to write about it.