April 24, 2008...6:28 pm
Defining Sexpectations
My professional life has been filled with so much drama of late, because I made the cardinal rookie mistake of failing to define expectations as clearly as possible when the project kicked-off. To be honest I was fearful of the whole process. My contract is pretty open, but my client is really pushy, and I’m not comfortable enough to push back and risk losing their business. Long story short, my situation got me thinking about the same scenario in relation to sex and relationships.
Here’s a minor revelation - I’ve been secretly sharing a bed with a privileged party for a few weeks now, and I’d rather not say who this person is, but let me just iterate that I hope he’s as disconnected to my world as I think he might be (but you never know with Google these days). Back to me. The whole scenario developed unexpectedly. I’m happily single and very flirty with everyone, so when a particular man started paying extra attention to me, I really gave it zero consideration. In fact, I never even noticed him in *that* way. There’s so much more to the story, but suffice it to say we unexpectedly ended up in bed together. No I’m not proud of it, and it certainly wasn’t a defining moment in my life, but it was good and oddly very comfortable.
If you’ve read any of my previous posts, then you probably already know that I’m not the type of girl that has sex just to have sex. I just wasn’t wired that way - the few times I’ve tried to disassociate feelings and do the simply sex thing, the end result was just plain messy. It’s pretty rare these days that I stumble into bed with a relative stranger before setting the sexpectations.
Setting the sexpectations, prior to the act, is the best way for me to let the guy know what he can expect after we start engaging in afternoon delights. I’ll usually lay out the following sexpectations before stripping down:
- Sex with me is complicated.
- I do get emotionally attached.
- I don’t share.
- If you’re going to sleep with someone else, tell me first or stop sleeping with me!
- You can’t be hyper-sensitive to feedback. I communicate what I want and so should you (this includes ways to improve).
- I’ve lived through too many experiences that I’d rather not share, but suffice it to say getting too rough won’t be appreciated.
Okay so now that everyone in the world knows way too much about me, let’s continue…
Here’s the problem. I made the same freakin’ mistake in my personal life that I made in my professional life. I didn’t set the sexpectations prior to the act, and now I’m paying the consequences. Trying to set sexpectations too late is almost as bad as trying to forget the whole thing ever happened.
Example.
The other night I confided in my coital confidant that I’m not interested in being friends who fuck. I was accurately picking up on a vibe that he assumed sex was an added bonus of our friendship (a friendship I’m not even sure really exists yet). Of course I was right. He’s not interested in really getting to know each other, and I was starting to think I could be open to that (but maybe that’s a side effect of good bedding, it makes you want to turn nothing into something to justify your behavior).
There was nothing left to do but to terminate the situation. If life has taught me anything, it has schooled me on the importance of self-preservation. So now I’m out, completely solo once again, and feeling like I violated my own bedroom code-of-conduct. [Said with the inflection of Chandler Bing] Could I be feeling any lower?
I don’t know. What do you guys/gals think? Is there a way to backtrack, after copulation has already occurred, and set sexpectations? Did I back myself into a rookie corner and get what I deserved? Give me some perspective on this.
7 Comments
April 24, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I think you already know that the answer to this question is no. Especially after that sort of reception, it’s best to cut your losses - which, in this case, don’t sound like many.
April 24, 2008 at 9:45 pm
It’s your life. You can set sexpectations & change them whenever you feel like! If the person you are with is understanding & likes you for more than just a booty call, then they will adjust. If not, then screw them (well maybe not literally, or maybe just once for old times sakes).
Even people that have been married for umpteen years make mistakes (probably one of the biggest is not setting sexpectations) so no worries and know that you are learning every second in ur life!
TTYL! (Twitta 2 u L8R)
http://twitter.com/eMarv
April 24, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I think finding someone who meets your sexpectations without you having to state them is what its all about =)
If they don’t meet them, next them.
April 25, 2008 at 6:50 am
clearlii (angie) has a good point, my losses really aren’t that much at this point. I can find a million men who want to bed me, so why bother worrying about one man who obviously doesn’t get me? I have this philosophy about relationships, when it’s unbalanced it will never work!
@eMarv you’re right in theory, but in practice when you start to “like” someone the whole fuck ‘em attitude is hard to maintain. To say that I wasn’t disappointed would be a lie, however, a few days later I do feel pretty content with how everything played out. I’m finally learning to say what I need to say and walk away if things aren’t going to work.
@Seth Caldwell wow that would be nice, but I’m not sure that’s ever happened to me…here’s to the future!
April 25, 2008 at 7:37 am
You and clearlii have answered the question. You say the sex was good and it was comfortable but you weren’t even friends . . . thanks for playing. Ultimately, I believe relationships work when, if you totally subtracted the intimacy, you would still be friends with that person.
My two cents.
May 5, 2008 at 6:30 pm
If nothing else, you have inspired me to develop my own concrete, well thought out, (and maybe even documented in writing) set of sexpectations.
May 12, 2008 at 7:18 am
Hi, I’ve been in your exact same situation too many times to count. The thing is there’s always a time to communicate what you want and how you want to be treated. True most men think that it’s not possible to befriend a girl and not have sex with her but there are also many who can. I have many friends that I know for many years that I don’t have sex with. I also happened to have had sex with one of my great friends but end up still being friend because both of us are not comfortable in pursuing our sexual relationship but prefer to keep our friendship. It felt like incest. I also have some “fuck buddies”, means friends that I fuck just for sex. So it’s okay to get carried away by the moment and yet want to be respected and appreciated. People and relationship do change. It’s how you react to the change that counts. Some people change from friends to lovers without a problem like I am now with my boyfriend. Some people feel uncomfortable having meaningless sex even if it was just being carried away like in your case. If you want to salvage it, you can ask your partner to accept your terms or just be friends. You can also salvage it by asking him what he wants and expects from his association with you. If his expectation meets your expectation than you can carry on, right? Otherwise just say goodbye.
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